First let me apologize to myself for missing out on last weeks post. I got caught up in the week’s activities though I was mindful of my commitment to post on this blog every week.
I forgive myself. Thank you. (You’re welcome)
Last night I had a discussion with a dear friend. It started with a question:
Why do good relationships go bad?
A while back I stumbled on a book about relationships, marriage, and divorce etcetera. The author was a marriage counselor (of course he should be!) and he gave an account of couples having a terrible time in their young marriages and coming to him for help.
He would give each of them a chance to express themselves. And what was interesting was that each partner made solid cases for wanting a separation or divorce. So at the end of the day no one seemed right or wrong. No one had the upper hand. Each had a valid list of complaints.
However the author had what he called a master key for healing sour relationships. After each had talked and flared up and cried, he would tear out two sheets of paper and give to each partner.
"I would like you both to take the next thirty minutes and write down ten things you like or appreciate about your partner. Do not focus on the anger you feel right now. Forget about who is wrong or who needs to apologize."
They would look at him quizzically like he was mad or something.
"Didn't you hear all we just said? We want a divorce. If she/he can't apologize or change there is no point!"
"Please calm down and just flow with me for the next 30 minutes. If you can’t think of anything likeable in your partner right now, cast your mind back to when you first met. Write down ten things that thrilled you about him/her back then and see if there is still something about your partner you still admire"
They would go silent and begin to think back.
1. He does have a nice smile.
2. She is creative.
3. I like her cooking.
4. Back then he was so romantic. He still is come to think of it.
5. I like the way she swings those hips!
6. I like his confident nature.
7. She is God fearing
8. I love the fact that he is always full of ideas
9. I must confess she is intelligent. I love that about her.
10. I love him for sticking with me all these years, showing commitment even when things were rough.
11. She always encourages me. At least she used to do that then.
12. When she wears those tight jeans I melt like butter on a hot knife!
13. Though he can be a grouch, but on a good day, he is so funny. And when he starts dancing....
14. She is great with the children…
According to the author, they would start writing their list in his office and within minutes he would notice a change. The tension in the air would tangibly reduce. Sometimes one of them would break out into a reluctant smile. He would then ask them to go home and make the list up to twenty points.
Usually by the time they came back the next day, they would be holding hands and smiling and acting like 16 year olds. Most of them that is.
What’s the moral of the story?
Anything you focus on with intensity becomes magnified and starts to grow. Whatever you think about mostly becomes your reality. If you dwell so much on the faults of others instead of concentrating on what is lovely about them you will end up having many sour relationships. If you dwell on your joblessness or lack of money all the time, the problem just seems to become more and more overwhelming as the days go by.
The Bible even encourages us in Philippians to think about things that are lovely, pure, commendable, true etcetera.
No matter what you are going through right now choose to focus your thoughts on the positives, be it an uncomfortable relationship, a financial or workplace crisis, an impending job interview, a business going bad, no matter what, choose to see things in a positive light.
Take your pen out now, (or even post it as a comment to this article), write out ten things you like about life right now, or ten things you love about your boyfriend or wife, or ten wonderful things that have happened to you in the past one year. Just take time out now to write ten things. And see the lift it will give you.
Take it easy folks.
And thanks for stopping by.
